Inspirational thought of the week:
Now we may begin all over again
To build that dream we sought
Oh, what a bad start
Now we may begin from where we left off
To find that truth we lost
No matter the cost
Now we may begin, it’s just like the fall
We’re on a sad and lonely road
A long way to home
— “Now We May Begin” by Randy Crawford
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, currently located in a far-flung corner of the “College GameDay” TV compound where we share a small Star Waggons trailer with the marriage counselor hired to work with Nick Saban and Pat McAfee, we entered the Week 1 slate of games with hope and vigor and roseation and puissance, which were the fanciest matches we could find in the thesaurus for hope and vigor.
With all due respect to fight songs, stadium entrances and dads embarrassing their children by crying themselves to sleep on the front lawn after the outcome of a game played by 19-year-olds, the most time-honored college football tradition is the Week 1 overreaction. When one loss seems to be the end of the known world for the remainder of autumn, before even one leaf has changed colors.
At least, that’s how it feels in the hoity-toity land of the Top 25. Here in the Bottom 10 Cinematic Universe, there is no overreaction to a season-opening loss. There is just plain old reaction. Like, “Oh, hey, look, we lost again.” Or, “Hey, look, it must be fall because the leaves are shriveling up and falling again.” Or, “Hey, look, those people in Tallahassee and Gainesville look exactly like those leaves.”
With apologies to Ryan Leaf, Nico Iama-leaf-a and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 1 Bottom 10 rankings.
The Zips traveled 126 miles to Ohio State for the honor of losing 52-6, though their paycheck for the day was $1.8 million. I’m no businessperson, but getting a per diem mileage rate of $14,285.71 per mile seems like a nice little deal, even after subtracting the cost of all those gauze pads and Tylenol for the ride home.
The Owls made their FBS debut on the road, facing former Bottom 10 stalwart-turned-bowl regular R.O.C.K. in the UTSA and losing 28-16. I’m not sure why they made their big league debut with an away game, but I have a hunch that it was so Kennesaw State alum Ty Pennington could work secretly while the team was on the road in anticipation of next week’s home debut, when he’ll reveal the newly renovated stadium by screaming, “Move that bus! No, seriously, guys. Move the bus. You’re blocking the gate.”
Brett Favre Beneficiary University was also the beneficiary of Al Roker. The Golden Eagles went to Kentucky’s Kroger Field and were in the process of having a motorized shopping cart run over them repeatedly until Mother Nature could take no more and ended the game at 31-0 because of bad weather less than halfway through the third quarter. Sources told Bottom 10 JortsCenter that Ms. Nature was heard saying, “If I wanted to see this much violence, I’d just watch ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ for the fifth time.”
The L-obos suffered a 61-39 loss at Top 25 resident Arizona and trailed only 27-24 at the half. That’s certainly nothing to be ashamed of. But they opened the season with a 35-31 Week 0 loss at home to FCS Montana State and thus became the nation’s first two-loss team. There’s certainly something in all of that.
5. State of Florida … State
Following a four-game Week 0, the Coveted Fifth Spot choice would obviously have been Florida State after its shocking loss to Georgia Tech in Ireland. But we didn’t do a Week 0 Bottom 10 because there were only four games. It felt like a missed opportunity. Then Florida Not Florida State said, “Hold my orange juice,” and opened with an even more shockingly terrible Week 1 drubbing at home to Miami Not Miami of Ohio. So that became the obvious choice. Then Florida State Not State Of Florida said, “No, hold MY orange juice,” and on Labor Day night labored its way to another shockingly bad loss, this time to Boston College. When we reminded both teams that the saying isn’t “Hold my orange juice” but “Hold my beer,” they both replied, “Don’t worry, we’re from Florida. Our orange juice has beer in it.”
The second parliament of Owls — yes, that’s what a group of owls is called, because apparently “flock” ain’t fancy enough — to take roost in these rankings are the ones from Philly, who flew to Oklahoma and lost 51-3. The good news is that the Sooners are expected to be pretty good at football.
Meanwhile, the Minors suffered a similarly bad 40-7 loss on the road at Nebraska, which is expected to be kinda sorta maybe good at football.
And the Huskies had a nearly identical 50-7 defeat at the claws of the Maryland Terrapins, who are just hoping to earn an invitation to the Pinstripe Bowl.
Once our fine-feathered friends in Houston saw Kennesaw and Temple both in these rankings, they quickly swooped in to remind us all who the OG Bottom 10 Owls truly are, losing 34-14 at home to then-fellow Waiting List resident Sam Houston We Have A Problem. So Sam Houston State, named for Sam Houston, won in the city of Houston, which was also named for Sam Houston, and to get from Sam Houston State to Rice, one must drive through the Sam Houston National Forest, which is home to multiple types of owls. This feels like a Christopher Nolan movie.
The Minuetmen don’t move to the MAC until 2025, but they got a sneak preview of #MACtion life, losing at home 28-14 to Eastern Michigan University. We didn’t watch that game. We were already too drunk after watching the noon blowouts, but our handy-dandy dependable UMass Eyewitness Reporter reported via email: “A very B10 worthy showing by UMass — made the EMUs look like Eagles.”
Waiting list: ULM (pronounced “UHLM”), Colora-duh State, Why?-oming, Charlotte 0-and-1ers, EC-Yew, Buffalo Bulls Not Bills, Sam Houston We Have a Problem, State of Kent, Fa-La-La-La-La Tech, New Mexico State Other Aggies, Baller State, Clempson
